I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
