I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
