I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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