11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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