Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
