At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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