I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize