It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
