Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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