and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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