I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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