New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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