we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
