We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
