I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
