I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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