So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
