I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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