Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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