I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
