we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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