I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
