My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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