Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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