I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
