Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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