Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
