woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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