If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
