i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
