we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
