my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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