Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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