Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
