Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
