you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
