my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
