I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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