i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
