So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
