i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
