I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
