Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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