I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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