who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
