Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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