trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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