my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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