see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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