Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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