you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
