I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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