if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
