The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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