I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
