What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
