Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
