there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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