please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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