Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
