Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
