Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize